


RR

by Jadiona



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gen, Horror, Romance, Suspense, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2019-07-10 18:50:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15955352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadiona/pseuds/Jadiona
Summary: A New Moon AU. Set approximately five years after Bella jumped, but Alice never saw the jump. The Cullen's never returned and Bella has drifted from one extreme to the next in an effort to hear her hallucinations. Rated M as content may not be appropriate for all ages.





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.
> 
> AN: This story is set five years after Bella jumped off the cliff in New Moon, the only key difference is that Alice never saw the jump and they never returned as a result. Small warning, story may be a bit disturbing to some.

**RR**

**Prelude**

By the time Alice had decided to start looking for Bella's future and forget about her promise to her brother, it was too late. The solid future that Alice had once seen was completely gone. She could no longer see Bella becoming her sister. Instead, when she tried to look into a distant, murky future, all she ever saw was Bella's gravestone, date of death blurred.

When she made a decision to save Bella from whatever this distant future was by going to get her she was immediately assaulted with a dozen different visions of ways that Bella would hasten her own death if she showed up. The Bella, as she now existed, would not allow any contact with Alice or any of the Cullens.

That was roughly two years after they left Bella. A few months later, Edward finally decided to return to the family. Alice never deliberately looked for her once sister's future again.

Edward didn't ask Alice to find out because, in his heart, he knew he was only one small shove from going back for Bella. The thing was, Edward didn't do much of anything, constantly hiding in his bedroom, or in the attic, or any other space that his family would avoid.

In the three years after he returned to his family, he hunted exactly five times, each time because he was forced to. For Edward, his one saving grace was the fact that he was certain Bella had moved on with her life. He was certain that she was happy and safe, wherever she was. He didn't know how wrong his beliefs were.

Meanwhile, in sunny California, Bella was sitting at a table, waiting for her challenger to sit across from her, waiting for the match to start. It was during this time that she remembered what had led her to finding this ultimate adrenaline rush because it was the one thing that she truly never could get good at, and so, _his_ voice always showed up in her mind.

Five years ago she'd jumped into the ocean from a hundred feet up and almost drowned, fortunately, her best friend of the time had saved her life. It gave her a chance to do it again, and again, and again. In the months that followed her senior year spring break, she must have jumped off that cliff a hundred times. Eventually, she got too good at it, and then _he s_ topped talking to her.

She had to find a new extreme sport after that. So that summer, she moved to Seattle, riding there on her motorcycle with nothing but a backpack and her relatively measly amount of savings. In Seattle, she found a new extreme sport, jumping the tracks. Jumping on and off moving trains was her life for the better part of three months. Unfortunately, just like cliff diving, it became too easy.

It wasn't too long after that when she discovered the Pacific Northwest Bridge in Amboy, Washington. Bungee jumping had been a terrifying thrill for a while. Sadly, the thrill didn't last. It didn't take long for her mind to realize that she was perfectly safe doing the bungee jumping, and once that happened, _he_ stopped talking to her again.

She'd only been nineteen for two months when she tried skydiving for the first time. It was a rush like she'd never expected, and _his_ voice castigating her the whole way down made it even sweeter. Sadly, like all things, the rush ended after she got good at it, which only took a few months. After that, she moved down to a coast town in California and started practicing freefall skydiving into the ocean. The rush didn't last long enough though as it was too similar cliff diving.

She wasn't even twenty when she tried her first drugs, and, for a while, they worked. Ultimately though, they didn't last long enough, and she wasn't actually lucid enough to really remember _his_ voice afterward. In the end, drugs just weren't worth it, and neither was alcohol. Nothing was worth the raging headaches she got the morning after getting drunk.

By the time she was twenty-one, she was already off of all the drugs and stuff that she had tried. But she was still seeking out anything that allowed her to hear _his_ voice, to see _his_ face, even to remember _his_ scent. At twenty-one, she was still a virgin. It wasn't something she thought about often as she honestly had no sexual desire whatsoever, but on her twenty-first birthday, it was something she contemplated.

Then, she sought out a way to fix it and went to a club. It wasn't her normal affair but, in the long run, she was glad she went. She met a guy there, and he introduced her to the world that she has lived in for the last two and a half years. She'd finally found the one rush, the one adrenaline spiked haze, that made it so _he_ never left.

Someone sat down in front of her. She didn't bother to look at who it was yet. She didn't care if it was a guy or a girl. In the end, it didn't matter. It was just another face to her.

Shortly after, the referee stepped up to the table with the open box. Bella didn't look in the box, she already knew what was in it. A single revolver, a single bullet.

The referee started explaining the rules and how it worked, but she knew how it worked, so she didn't pay any attention. It was the same rules every time. At the end, the person who dies... loses. That was all that mattered.

The referee set the box on the table, picking up the gun and handing it to her opponent first as he handed the bullet to her. She examined the .357 bullet carefully, inspecting it to make sure it hadn't been tampered with before handing it back to the referee. Once her opponent handed back the gun, she was given the gun, and him the bullet.

She made sure that the revolver cylinder spun easily and without trouble. Once she verified that it spun the way it was supposed to, she examined the gun carefully to make sure there was nothing that could cause the match to be rigged. She handed the gun back to the referee.

It was then, as the referee loaded the bullet and spun the chamber that _he s_ poke for the first time in her mind that night.

 _Don't do this, Bella. Just get up from the table and walk away._ His words were, as always, ever so loving and concerned.

 _You won't stay with me if I leave._ She thought as the gun was handed to her opponent first.

_Yes, I will. I'll do anything as long as you don't do this._

She'd fallen for that line once, back when it was only her second or third time at the table. But, the instant she'd walked away, his voice had disappeared. In the back of her mind, she'd known it would. She never fell for it again. _That's a lie._

_I promise it isn't. Please stop this._

_I can't_. Even if she'd wanted to, she had a name for herself now, in two and a half years, she'd been the victor thirty-one times. In the underground world, she'd immersed herself in, she was considered Invincible Bella. If she got up to leave now, she'd likely be dead before she got to the door. She knew that.

_Please, Bella, for me?_

A plea, a request. One she'd heard dozens of times before. It wouldn't work though, as she was too stubborn. Besides, his voice was the high she now lived for, and this was the one thing that allowed her to hear it every single time. _No,_ she thought with a smile.

The person across the table from her was handed the gun. She finally looked up. Her opponent was a man. Malnourished and clearly strung out on drugs, likely meth from the yellowing of his skin, but still... a man. He put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

She didn't blink, she didn't flinch. Her opponent handed the gun back to the referee who opened the cylinder and spun it again before popping it back into place and handing the gun to her.

 _Stop this,_ he demanded in her head.

 _No,_ she thought again. She put the gun to her head.

 _Bella, don't do this._ His voice was furious in her head. The avenging angel's voice. Bella refused to acknowledge his name or even what he'd been, he was just a voice in her head now, the voice she lived for.

 _You won't stay with me any other way._ She pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

She handed the gun back to the referee who once again spun the chamber before handing it to her opponent. He put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

The process of the gun being handed to the referee, cylinder spun, and handed to the other side of the table was once again repeated. It placed the gun back in her hand.

 _So you WANT to die then? Is that it?_ He was more furious than before.

 _Of course not_. She knew if she died, then she'd no longer hear his voice and that wasn't what she wanted. She'd long ago come to believe that there was no after from this life. She wasn't sure exactly when. It could have been after Jake, or possibly after her last fight with Renee, or maybe it was after her father had kicked her out, but anyway she looked at it, she didn't believe in a tomorrow land anymore. There was only today, only this life, and this was how she chose to live it. She pressed the gun to her head.

 _You have a funny way of showing it._ He snarled the words, his anger completely beautiful.

 _The real you left. This is the only way for me to keep a part of you._ At one point, years prior, she had briefly considered that he'd actually left in a foolish attempt to protect her and did still love her. If that had been the case though then he surely would have come for her long ago. She couldn't believe that his sister hadn't seen all of this – yet another name she refused to remember – if he actually cared he would have come. For that matter, she didn't acknowledge any of their names anymore. She pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

She handed the gun back, and the chamber was spun again before being handed to her opponent. He put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

The gun once again passed to the referee and then to her.

_You have to stop this madness, Bella._

_Why? S_ he thought. Why did it matter to the subconscious voice in her head? She knew the voice was actually a part of her, and she certainly didn't want to stop. She pressed the gun to her head and pull the trigger. _**Click**_

She handed the gun back, and watched as it was handed to her opponent, wondering if he had family. She was lucky, in one sense at least, because no one would care if she vanished, and she knew that. Many of the people that she'd been pinned against had families, in fact, a couple of the better-known ones had ended up in the papers after they went missing. It was true, her father was still out there as was her mother, and at one time she'd had an adopted family of wolf brothers, but all those ties had been severed. None of them would care if she did eventually die. In fact, more than one would probably assume it was her just desserts.

Across the table, the man pressed the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

He handed the gun back, and after the cylinder was spun again, the gun was handed to her.

 _Dammit, Bella. Stop this._ He didn't curse often, and he appeared to her even less. But there he was, standing right behind her opponent. A perfect, translucent silhouette of the man she remembered.

She glared at him as she pressed the gun to her temple, thinking, _No._ She closed her eyes as she pulled the trigger.

At the house where the Cullens were staying, Alice's vision of the future went black. She could feel Jasper's hand on her shoulder, and she vaguely heard him trying to talk to her as well as at least one of her siblings, but she couldn't pull herself out.

It felt like it had to be a lifetime later, but was likely only a couple of seconds, when she heard a resounding **bang** in her head and was finally able to jerk free of the vision.

Edward was standing right in front of her, and she could see in her mind what he was about to ask, wanting to know if there was time to save Bella. Alice shrugged, signaling she didn't know.

Edward immediately raced out of the house.

Alice knew though, the visions that she'd had must have been happening mere milliseconds after she saw it. If the bang she'd heard had been when Bella was holding the gun, then she knew that there was no saving her once sister.

In her mind's eye, not a vision, but a memory of the vision of the headstone she once saw, she filled in the blurred out date.

She turned into Jasper, sobbing openly.

 


	2. Chapter 1 - A Different Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.
> 
> AN: Each chapter is going to be split into two sections. The first section with the focus on the now (five year after Bella jumped, so 2011) and the other section will focus on Bella's past. Unlike most of my works, the entirety of this story will be in third person, but ultimately focuses on Bella and Alice. It is Bella/Edward, but may or may not be a HEA. This starts out five days after the vision/event in the Prelude

**Chapter 1 – A Different Beginning**

Alice hadn't heard from Edward since he left five days prior, and as she tried desperately to garner his future, it was so jumbled and unfocused that she couldn't be certain what he was going to do. For half of a millisecond she'd see him in some hospital room, then she'd see him standing in front of Aro, the next in front of a blazing fire – already a hazy purplish-gray from that of a vampire burning – after that, she'd see him back at home, and so on. She'd seen hundreds of possible futures, all pertaining to her brother, all without Bella, and all within a matter of seconds. Then they'd all repeat. She had no way to make sense of them.

She groaned, massaging her head from the headache she was getting by just trying to grasp onto something solid.

Jasper's hands reached up and started massaging her neck, reminding her she wasn't alone. “I'll protect you from everything I can, love, even our family, but eventually you are going to have to tell them what happened.” He left out the _tell me_ in his words, but she knew it hurt him that she was keeping what she saw to herself.

But how could she explain to any of them the vision that she'd had when she didn't fully understand it herself?

True, she understood that she'd been watching a game of Russian Roulette, she wasn't unfamiliar with the practice, but what she didn't understand was the why and the how. Why had Bella, her sister, been at that table? How had she gotten there?

More than that though, Alice could not wrap her mind around the expressions Bella had made, the way her eyes had lit up when her opponent had been first given the gun, the callous look on her face when he pulled the trigger, the defiance in her eyes when she pulled the trigger herself... It had been as if Bella had been communicating with someone, but she hadn't said a word the entire match.

She sighed, “I don't know how to explain it, Jas.”

“Start with the basics, what was it about?”

She could tell that her four family members were all listening to their conversation from different spots in the house. She couldn't blame them. The way Edward had taken off like a bat out of hell... Well, she'd be curious too if she didn't know why already. It was the most animated he'd been since he'd come back.

“It was about Bella.”

“You're not supposed to be looking into her future. You promised.” She knew Jasper wasn't referring to her promise to Edward, he was referring to her promise to him. After Edward had come back, she'd had a moment of weakness where she'd wanted to taunt him with the vision of Bella's gravestone, acting out in petty anger, but Jasper had realized what she was contemplating before she followed through with it and had made her promise to let her brother's old wounds heal.

“I wasn't looking, but that doesn't mean I don't see. And once I was in, I couldn't get out.” Not until she'd seen too much, heard too much.

“What was she doing?”

“She was at a table somewhere, I'm not sure where, and she was... I'm not sure what she was doing.”

“Yes, you do. Tell me.” Jasper turned her to look at him.

“She killed herself.” The words tumbled out before Alice could stop it. She knew it was wrong to say that as she wasn't certain that Bella was dead, she hadn't been able to see Bella pull the trigger after all, but it was the only thing that made sense in her mind.

She heard Esme gasp from the study downstairs, and from the others, it was complete silence, which was telling in and of itself.

“What happened?” Jasper asked it calmly, but Alice knew her husband, and she was well familiar with the fact that it was forced.

“She was playing Russian Roulette, I didn't actually see her kill herself, as all my senses were cut off in the vision right at the end except sound, but she'd been holding the gun just before everything went black. Right after that, there was a resounding bang, and then I was able to yank free of the vision.”

Carlisle was at their bedroom door before Alice had finished speaking. He'd grasped almost immediately what Alice had been trying desperately to determine for the last five days. “And what does that mean of Edward?”

“I don't know because he doesn't know. Not yet. I couldn't tell him that she was dead, that it was too late for him to save her. For now, he's searching, but once he realizes she's dead, if he ever realizes it, I am relatively sure he'll follow. I can't be sure though, because he hasn't decided to go that route, not yet. It's flickered a few times, but mostly there are just hundreds of nonsensical visions – some that make sense, others that don't.”

“We need to go find him.”

“And what do you think he'll do if we show up and he reads our thoughts? Right now, he has hope, no matter how fleeting and small. It's enough to keep him going. If we show up, he'll lose that. And then I don't need a vision to know what he'll do next.” Alice didn't add that they couldn't stop him if he really wanted to die. She suddenly had a sick understanding of what the vision of the pyre had been.

“You're telling me that there's nothing we can do?” Carlisle demanded, there was a tension in his body that she rarely saw. At times, she forgot just how much Carlisle loved Edward, but times like this reminded her that he had been Carlisle's first creation and first companion.

“Some of my visions show him coming back to us on his own. I think that _maybe_ if we stay out of the way, he might come to terms with losing her and come back, though he'll never be alright again. But if we try to force that choice on him, then I assure you he's already lost.” As she said the words, Alice knew she was right. If they so much as took one step in the direction of getting involved, then all would be lost.

She could hear Esme quietly sobbing downstairs, saw Jasper open his mouth to speak, and then she wasn't there anymore. Instead, she was flung into a vision of Edward's very immediate future, one she'd wish for the rest of her life she could have gotten away with not seeing.

_June 2006_

Jake wrapped his arms around her waist. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Was Bella sure she wanted to die? No. What choice did she have, though? “I won't let there be another Leah because of me.”

“You're avoiding the question, Bells. Talk to me. We can find another way.”

“Sam wants me gone, Jake.” Victoria had sent five vampires after Bella just a month and a half earlier. The werewolves had managed to kill them all, but they hadn't been prepared, and the cost had been high. Leah, who had only been a werewolf for a little over a month, had died, her body torn into pieces. Bella knew because Sam had made her look after it was all over.

“I'll fight him on that if you want to stay.” She knew he would, which was one of the many reasons she had to go.

“And what happens when Victoria gets even more inventive and manages to kill a human, like Kristy?” Brady Fuller's little sister who had been born a mere week and a half ago was the only reason Jacob had finally agreed to let her go. After the fight that had killed Leah, Bella had received a letter in the mail, it held only one line of text:

“ _Come to Seattle, and no one else has to die.”_

It had been the fanciest cursive Bella had ever seen. She didn't need anyone to tell her who had written it. When she'd told the wolf pack about the letter, the pack had become pretty divided. Seth and Jacob had been determined she would stay, and Quil and Embry had agreed though she had seen the truth in Embry's eyes, that he actually thought she should go, but he wouldn't go against his best friend. On the other side of the table were Sam, Paul, Jared, Collin, and Brady. All of them believed she should leave. None of them wanted to bury another one of their own.

Behind her, she felt Jacob shudder. She'd hit below the belt deliberately. “Then that blood would be on Victoria's head, not yours.” He held firm.

“Jake, you say that now, but we both know that if she killed your imprint than you'd blame me. You'd probably kill me yourself. I won't let you lose your reason for being just because I'm stubbornly clinging to the only family I truly have left.” She didn't bother to say she'd already lost hers.

That March, after she'd jumped for the first time from the cliff she was standing on now, she'd tried to make it work with Jake. They'd kissed a few times, went on a couple dates, but at the end of the day when she went to bed at night, it left her feeling worse than it had before. It was as if she was betraying her very soul. When she'd explained it to Jake, he'd understood, and helped her to understand better than she had before.

He'd explained to her how wolves imprinted, and also explained to her the legends that talked about vampire mates. He suspected that even though she was just human, somehow she'd formed the mate bond with _him_.

After that, they went back to being just friends, and Bella explained to Jake about the voice she heard. He once again had understood and ultimately helped her chase them by being with her every time she jumped off the cliff.

Still, until he saw Kristy for the first time, he hadn't understood her desire to leave. In fact, he had been adamantly against it.

“I wouldn't do that.” Jake sounded horrified by her words.

“You may not think you would now, but if something like that happened...” Bella didn't finish her sentence. She didn't need to, she knew Jake would get it.

“I don't like it, Bella. There has to be a better way than this.”

“She sent five last time, next time she might send twenty. You guys wouldn't survive, and I can't bear it if yet another dies because of me.” She closed her eyes, remembering the sight of one of Leah's light gray hind legs in a bush, the other thirty feet away, blood everywhere. “Victoria wants me dead in the worst way possible. I need to go, before more of you get hurt.”

Jacob sighed. “I don't like it.”

“You don't have to, just be sure and protect my dad after I'm gone. More than likely he'll never hear I died because she'll destroy the evidence of my death afterward. You need to make sure it stays that way. It's bad enough that I'm going to emotionally ruin him.”

Jacob shuddered violently. “Don't say stuff like that. You'll make it through this. I have to believe that.”

“Jake...” She said the word indulgently, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “Come on, jump with me. One last time. For me.” She pulled away from him.

She heard him pull his shirt off and proceeded to yank off her own. She took two steps back and then raced forward, flinging herself off the cliff. She didn't hear _his_ voice doing this anymore, but it was at least a way for her to forget everything, at least for the two-point-three seconds it took her to hit the water.

She righted herself in the water and kicked up to the surface just as Jacob splashed down ten feet to her left. The small riptide caused by his mass displacing the water sent her reeling under the surface again. She once again kicked to the top.

Jacob surfaced beside her a moment later. “Did you hear him this time?”

It was an intimate question, one that felt more invasive now that he'd imprinted than it had before. “No.”

“Maybe you're finally moving on.” He said it softly, hopefully. She knew that even though he'd understood what was going on with her better than she herself had, he thought it was unhealthy. She knew he believed that it couldn't be healthy for a human to have such a strong bond with an immortal being.

“I'm not, the gaping hole in my chest is an ever reminder of my loss. I don't think it's possible for me to move on. Do wolves that lose their imprints ever move on?” It was the only comparison she had that she could give Jake.

“No.” He growled, not an actual growl, but a human imitation of one. “I wish he was still here. I'd kick his ass for leaving you like this – half-dead and eternally chasing a memory.”

She shrugged. “It's not his fault that the mate thing was apparently one-sided.” She started swimming to shore.

She could practically hear Jacob biting his tongue as he swam behind her, and normally she would tell him to spit it out, but she honestly didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to hear him. She knew her decision rubbed him the wrong way. She knew he disagreed, but he didn't understand, it was horrifying enough to have the blood of one on her hands. And it didn't matter what Jake said, Leah's death rested solely at her feet, and she knew it.

When they got to shore, he walked with her to her bike. “Are you sure?” He asked again as they arrived at her bike and she pulled on the leather jacket he'd bought her as a graduation present.

She knew he'd ask it every fifteen seconds if he thought he could get her to say no just once. She knew that him seeing one moment of indecision would be all that it would take, and then she'd never leave. “Yes, I am,” she said resolutely.

“Please. Stay.”

She closed her eyes against the pain that his plea caused her. She knew he understood better than before why she had to leave, but he was stubborn and resisting. “I'm sorry, Jake, I can't.” She stood up on the tips of her toes and kissed him chastely one last time before she got on her bike.

She started it up and took off, heading home, also for her final time.

 


	3. Chapter 2 - Broken Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 2 – Broken Blood**

Edward was standing across from some man who looked as slimy as an eel. His eyes were a deep burgundy. He'd already killed three other people that had info about his Bella. Three people who'd given him unsatisfactory answers.

“Where's Bella?” He snarled.

“I.. d..don't .. kn..know who you're talking about,” the slimy man managed to stutter out.

“Liar. I know you know her. Now, where is she?” He could hear exactly what the man was thinking, about it being a real shame that his greatest 'horse' had finally bit the bullet.

The man squared his shoulders. “She's dead, probably rotting at the bottom of some ravine by now.”

“Liar,” he snarled again. Edward refused to believe she was dead unless he saw her body. So far none of the people he'd interrogated had been there for the match. This man, her recruiter, as Edward could see from his mind, was no exception. He'd been there for many of the matches though, Edward saw.

“She shot herself point blank in the head man. She's dead.” But the slimy man's thoughts betrayed him, informing Edward that she'd still been alive when the cleanup crew had dumped her at the closed down docks, not in the water as they should have, but in an old warehouse nearby.

Edward was getting more from the man's mind, then he was from his words. “Why was she left in the warehouse?”

“What..? … How do you..?” He was unable to complete the questions. But his mind filled in the answer that they thought it was cruel to drown her since she had still been fighting for life.

“Why didn't they take her to the hospital if she was still alive?”

The man didn't even bother to answer that one out loud. The why was obvious to the slimy man. She'd made her bed and all that. They certainly couldn't afford to get busted just to save the life of someone too stupid to die.

Edward narrowed his eyes. “Thank you for your information. It has been most helpful.” He knew his next destination now, but first, he had something to deal with.

He leaped forward, biting into the man's neck and ripping out his jugular. Edward didn't care if he was being a messy eater. This man, like all the rest that Edward had so far killed on his search to find Bella had gotten exactly what they deserved. Pain and all.

Alice jerked free, unable to watch anymore, unable to stand seeing her brother's tailspin from grace.

“What is it, Ali?” Jasper asked, kneeling in front of her. She was sure he'd been trying to yank her out of the vision since she'd been pulled in.

“Edward's hunting.”

“Well, he wasn't exactly taking good care of himself before he left. I'm not sure that's a bad thing.” Jasper was cautious with his reply. He knew her well enough to know she wouldn't be so pent up if her brother had simply been hunting.

“He's not hunting animals.”

“I suppose we all fall off the wagon occasionally.” Jasper was trying to think about it reasonably, using sensibility that just wasn't there.

“This is not a case of falling off the wagon. He's deciding to kill these people specifically.”

Carlisle, who was still at the door, spoke. “Is he going back to vigilante justice?”

“Not –” she thought about her reply “– exactly. He seems to be interrogating people about Bella's whereabouts, and when he gets the info he needs from them, he's killing them. I'm not saying that the people... or at least the one I just saw doesn't deserve it, but still.”

Carlisle stifled a brief look of pain. She knew how he felt about the loss of life, that when it was avoidable, it should be done. However, she herself had made mistakes over the years, though she was better at the diet of animal blood than her mate was, so she understood to some extent. But what Edward was doing was no mistake, he was making conscious decisions. The visions wouldn't be so precise if he weren't. “Did he find anything out?”

“I _believe_ so, but I was only privy to the spoken portion of the conversation, and it was quite obvious from the questions that Edward was asking that he was pulling out bits of info from the man's mind.”

“What does it all mean?”

“I have no idea.” A fact that troubled Alice more than she would ever like to admit.

_June 2006_

She stopped out front of her father's house, the police cruiser was in the drive, she had hoped to get home and leave without actually talking to him, but that wasn't going to be the case. In her head, she heard his voice, this time, not a warning, but a memory...

_I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly._

Until now, she hadn't fully understood his meaning. She revved the engine of her motorcycle. Twice. It had the desired effect as her father, Charlie, opened the door. When he recognized her, sitting atop the motorcycle, his face turned purple. Her thoughts immediately flew to his health, but she knew she had no right to think like that, she knew what she was about to do to him. If she truly cared about his health, she wouldn't be doing this.

She got off the bike.

“What the hell are you doing on that death trap?” Charlie shouted.

“I'm riding it, obviously.” She thought back to this morning, back when she'd told Jake her plan. They'd discussed it, she knew she had to make her dad hate her. She couldn't risk him following her. Not where she was going. No one could follow her.

She shoved past Charlie on her way inside the house.

“And how long have you been riding that thing?”

“About five months.”

She heard him sputter in anger, but she didn't turn around to look at him. She headed towards the stairs. He followed her.

“You are going to stop. Now.”

“No, I'm not. I'm an adult, I can drive whatever the hell I like.”

“Not while you're living under this roof.”

She'd seen that coming. “Which is precisely why I'm moving out.”

“WHAT?” She almost turned around, the two-octave shriek couldn't have been _Charlie_. But it was. He was the only one in the house with her.

“You heard me. I'm leaving.”

“Where are you going?”  
  
“Los Angeles.” That wasn't where she was going, of course. She was heading to Seattle, but she knew he'd jump to the conclusion she wanted him to. And she also knew if he did decide to follow her, he wouldn't be following her to where she was going.

“You're going after Edward?”

She was, but not in the way he thought. After all, she knew that Edward wasn't really in California. In fact, she was more likely to find him where she was going than she would be to ever find him _there_. “Los Angeles is a big city.” That wasn't a lie at least.

“He left you, Bella. He hasn't called or mailed or made any effort of any kind to contact you in nine months. It's past time to move on.”

She heard what he didn't say, that he thought she already had. She did spend more time on the res than anywhere else.

She reached her bedroom and picked up her backpack. It was already packed with the stuff she was taking – her three favorite books, a few sets of clothes, the cash she'd withdrawn when she'd closed her account three days earlier, a bottle for water, a loaf of bread, and a few cans of food.

“Well some of us aren't content to just let the person we love walk away.” Her voice was harsh, angry. It made it more effective than it already was. She looked up at him.

The sudden, blanched pain in his face was extremely difficult for her to look at. She almost took it back, she almost said she'd sell her bike and ask him to forgive her, but that letter blasted in her head, and she knew that she couldn't.

Her father didn't reply to her pointed jab, and so she shoved past him and went back down the stairs. He didn't follow her. It was for the best, she knew. Where she was going, there would be no following. She would not drag someone else to their death, one body had been enough to make her understand the very real stakes in this game of cat and mouse.

She reached her motorcycle, getting on and kick-starting the engine. The motorcycle rumbled to life, and she settled in the seat before taking off. She knew she wouldn't stop except for gas until she hit Seattle.

 


	4. Chapter 3 - Bound to None

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 3 – Bound to None**

“I need to go find him.”

Not Carlisle or Esme, but Emmett downstairs. The instant he said the words and made up his mind to do that, Alice was hurtled into a vision of Edward ripping Emmett's head from his body, Edward's eyes even brighter red than they had been in the last vision. A fire was quickly made. Alice shuddered, pulling herself out of that vision.

“Make a different decision, Emmett.” Her voice was low and frigidly cold. She didn't want another vision like that. She couldn't stand to see her family end up more destroyed than it was probably already going to be.

“What?” Emmett asked, the confusion in his voice clear even through the floorboards.

“You chase after him on your own, and you'll end up dead. Make a different decision.” She was precise.

“How would I end up dead?”

“Really, Emmett? Are you deliberately being dense? Edward will kill you if you go to him. He's on a precipice between hope, fear, and madness. If any of us try to _intercede_ _,_ it will end in disaster.”

“But, we can't just...”

Alice groaned as the same vision became even more detailed in her mind as it flashed to the surface again. “We can leave him alone and to his fate. In fact, it's the _only_ thing we can do.”

Emmett sighed unhappily, but the vision disappeared, and so Alice mentally thanked the lords that he'd decided to listen to her.

“Will Bella be alright?” Esme asked softly, her voice saddened from not only the thought of possibly losing her son but of also of the thought of losing the girl she'd once expected to become another daughter

Alice closed her eyes, trying to focus on Bella's future, but there was just... nothing.

“I don't know. I really don't,” Alice finally said.

_July 2006_

Bella had been in Seattle for a month, and she hadn't seen any trace of Victoria or her vampires. It had been the most miserable month of her life too. At least when she'd been in Forks, she'd had Jacob's company and working at Newton's Sporting Goods to distract her. Now, she had nothing. She lived with a constant misery and pain from the unrequited mate bond she'd managed to form with Edward. It was an all-consuming and gnawing pain – a pain so bad that she often couldn't remember to even eat and could barely force herself into fitful sleep – and she hated it.

The longer she lived with the painful ache caused by the one-sided mate bond, the more she despised the Cullens for ever getting involved with her life. She was a human and did not have the same facilities that a vampire did, so the pain – the giant hole in her chest – was completely unbearable for her. It often made doing the simplest things, like finding an alley to sleep in each night and protecting her backpack and bike, almost completely impossible because the desire to try and fight – to live – just wasn't there.

The only thing that ever gave her any relief was when she hallucinated Edward's voice, but there were no cliffs for her to jump off of in Seattle and the motorcycle no longer caused the hallucinations. She wasn't sure what would give the same reaction that she'd had before – there were only so many things out there that would bring enough fear and shock to bare to release enough dopamine in her brain so that she could hear his voice again.

She'd had enough money when she first came to Seattle to rent an apartment for at least a few months, and she had been sorely tempted, but renting an apartment meant leaving a paper trail and she couldn't afford to do that. She wanted there to be no chance of her father tracking her down, or her mom, or Jacob... She also wanted it to be as difficult as possible for Victoria to catch her as possible. Bella figured that being a moving target would protect her more than staying in a single place. So Bella moved from one alley to another, sleeping in trash bins or under cardboard boxes or whatever other hole she could hide in.

Over the course of the month, Bella had felt eyes on her from time to time, but every time she had checked it out to see if someone was watching, she'd found no one there.

Her need to stop the constant pain in her chest was what eventually drove Bella to the rail yard. It was there she met a young girl.

The girl was skin and bones with long bedraggled dark brown hair. She wore a plaid shirt that was probably about five sizes too big and a pair of jeans that probably had been what most people would consider well-used well over five years ago.

“My name's Bella, what's yours?” she introduced herself, holding her hand out to the young girl.

She looked up at Bella with bewildered eyes, almost as if she'd forgotten how to interact with people. “It's Bree.”

She didn't offer her hand to Bella and, after a moment of awkwardness, Bella dropped her hand by her side.

“What are you doing here, Bree?”

“I'm from Las Vegas. I managed to make it here on a bus after I escaped from my oppressive home.” The young girl shuddered.

Bella was able to read between the lines enough to understand that the girl was talking about abuse. “I'm on the run too.”

“Really?”

"Yeah. There's a crazy woman with red hair after me. She blames me for the death of her man even though I'd essentially been unconscious at the time it happened.”

She made a tiny smile. “Typical.”

“Absolutely,” Bella agreed and then looked back towards the trains rolling in and out of the yard. “Do you ever...”  
  
Bree followed Bella's eyes. “Jump?”

Bella nodded.

“I've thought about it, but I don't have the courage to do that.” She nodded toward two guys who jumped off of a moving train, rolling when they hit the ground. “It looks completely insane.”

It did, which was exactly why Bella was there. She wasn't sure if it was more dangerous than cliff diving was, but it was something she'd never done before – something that she was sure the Edward who'd made her promise to never do anything reckless would frown upon, which was exactly what she needed. But...

“Where are you going from here?” She asked the girl that had to be two or three years younger than her.

Bree shrugged her frail shoulders. “I don't know. I used all my money just getting to Seattle. I'll continue to get by, I'm sure.”

In spite of Bella's own personal pain, she couldn't ignore the need to help the girl in front of her – someone too young to be on her own and on the streets the way she was. Bella pulled off her backpack before shrugging out of the green jacket she was wearing and then going into her backpack and pulling out about a quarter of the money she had. She held out the jacket and the cash to the girl.

“Take it. Go get a motel room to sleep in for the night.” Bella's voice was rough.

Bree almost refused, but she'd been on the streets even longer than Bella had and she couldn't make herself turn away from the free stuff in front of her. So she reached out and took the jacket and cash, immediately clutching the jacket close.

Bella walked away from the girl, pulling the backpack onto her shoulders again as she marched towards the train tracks. Just then, she heard a voice in her head.

_Turn around and walk the other way._

She smiled, he was back, even if it was only in her head. _Fuck you, Edward._ She'd never say those words aloud, but it was her head, she could think whatever the hell she wanted – the voice in her head had no room to judge.

_Don't do this!_

_Why not? You aren't here to care if I get myself killed, and besides, it's a far less cruel fate than the one waiting in the wings for me by Victoria._

The snarl in her head was the best music she'd ever heard – some small part of her knew she must truly be insane, but she didn't care... She was past caring.

 


	5. Chapter 4 - Born of Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

  **Chapter 4 – Born of Pain**

Two days had passed, and still, Alice was no closer to knowing what was happening than she'd been before. Every time she looked into Edward's future, she regretted the choice because no matter what the future held it seemed he would be a changed man and she was still uncertain as to if that change would be a good thing.

Bella's future, on the other hand, remained completely black.

She couldn't even get a flicker of it. It was as if her friend, her sister, had completely ceased to exist. For some reason, she didn't believe it though. Alice had once _known_ Bella, and she knew she was a fighter.

She had no early warning when the house phone suddenly rang. It was the first time in a long time that she's been surprised by the sound of a phone ringing.

Carlisle answered it downstairs.

“Hello?”

“Carlisle, I... I need your help.”

Edward's voice on the other end of the phone shocked her into stillness.

“Where are you? We'll come to you and help, however you need.”

“Los Angeles Community Hospital, but I need you to go get Charlie first. It... isn't good.”

“How bad is it?”

“She managed to shoot herself in the space between the frontal and temporal lobe, because of where the bullet landed, it didn't kill her. They left her for dead in an abandoned warehouse, and she was there for five days before I found her. It's a miracle she isn't dead – a miracle that she didn't bleed to death in that time. But they don't know if she'll ever wake up or how much damage her brain has suffered. They aren't talking to me, everything I've learned I've picked from their brains. They'll talk to Charlie as he's her next of kin.”

“What about taking her out of the hospital and turning her?”

“I... am loathe to do that, especially considering that she's in such a bad state. There are things our venom can't heal, and I am concerned that in the state she is in, she's currently in a position where she might not survive the venom.”

“We'll go get Charlie and then we'll come to you.”

“Thank you.”

The line hung up just as Alice closed her eyes. She didn't know why she hadn't foreseen that call, and she hated that. It was almost as if her gift was completely failing her. She didn't understand why that would be the case either.

She tried to focus on what would happen when they went to see Charlie, but her vision was once again black, so she let out a groan of frustration.

Jasper's hands suddenly appeared on her shoulders. “Try to relax. You aren't doing anyone any good like this.”

She calmed immediately, more because of the emotions he was pushing into her than his hands or his words.

It was then that she was thrown into a vision.

_October 2006_

She jumped off the train she was on, rolling as she hit the ground. As had been the case for the last week, there was no voice to greet her, she was just too good at it anymore – the same way she had been when she'd been cliff diving – and so no more endorphins to drive the hallucinations she so desperately needed. It meant she was back to being bored out of her mind and in a pain more miserable than the fire had been the one time she'd been bitten by James.

She couldn't figure out what Victoria was waiting on with her. She'd expected to be kidnapped, tortured and killed by now, but the vampire was still conspicuously missing in action. If the woman intended to bore her to death, then she was being successful.

Now, more so than ever, because she'd already done the only sport in the area that might send her fear reaction into overdrive. She supposed she could start hanging out at bars and looking for some creep to pick her up. She was quite sure that would send her into enough of a fear-adrenaline rush to make _his_ voice appear... but that really wasn't how she wanted to lose her virginity.

She looked around the train yard, hoping to see the young girl she'd seen her first day at the train yard, but she once again wasn't there. She hadn't been there since that first day.

Bella sighed and trudged toward the open gate to go to the back alley where she had stored her bike.

She was over halfway there when she caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye, and she turned to look. There, where she'd sat down next to the girl who'd been too young to be out on the streets, an envelope was on the ground.

Bella was a hundred percent certain that it hadn't been there before, so she walked over to it.

She bent down and picked it up.

The envelope had her name on it.

_**Bella** _

The name was printed in one of the worst scribbles that she'd ever seen and she knew instantly that it wasn't Victoria who'd left the letter for her, which begged the question of who had.

She tore it open and pulled out the folded paper inside, unfolding it to read it.

_Bella,_

_This is Bree. I'm sure you didn't realize it, but I was... kidnapped, right after we saw each other. I was in the worst pain you can possibly imagine for the three days that followed. I still... don't completely understand what happened to me, but for some reason, I think you do._

_I'm not going to write it out just in case I'm wrong._

_I wanted to tell this to you in person, but I don't think that's wise. Whatever I am now... I'm not in control, and you smell extremely good to me._

_But I wanted you to know that I remember you, I remember your kindness to me – even though I didn't get a chance to take advantage of it. I made sure and repaid that kindness you showed me. I took care of the crazy woman that was hunting you. She'll never bother you again... unless she can somehow come back from ash. Somehow, I don't see that happening._

_You're safe from her now, but there are a lot of us still here in Seattle, and I don't think it's safe for you to stay here with the way you smell._

_I hope that knowing she's no longer able to torment you will help._

_Bree_

Bella read the letter twice just to make sure that her eyes weren't playing tricks on her, but it didn't change. It felt like a lifetime since she'd had to read between the lines, but she was ninety-five percent certain she was telling her that she'd been turned and also had somehow managed to miraculously kill Victoria.

Once that fact fully embedded itself in her mind, Bella didn't think, she just reacted, racing over to her bike and opening the single saddlebag with the key she kept around her neck. She pulled out the disposable cellphone she'd bought and dialed Jake's number.

The phone rang four times before finally, there was an answer.

“Hello,” a sleep-rumpled voice answered.

“Jake, it's me, it's Bella. Victoria is dead.”

There was a moment of silence before he finally spoke again. When he did, his voice was no longer half asleep. “What? How? Did she...?”

Bella _knew_ Jake, so she knew what he was really asking. “I'm still human, Jake... and I don't know, not really. I met a girl, human at the time, a few months ago and showed her a little bit of kindness. My guess from this letter that was left for me is that Victoria must have grabbed her right after I talked to her and turned her. She says she killed the woman to repay my kindness. This girl couldn't have been even sixteen yet, and I _hate_ that I am responsible for her being turned, but at least Victoria won't ever bother me again.”

“Come home, then. This is where you belong, not out there.”

Bella opened her mouth to tell him that she was on her way, but then she thought about what else had been in the letter. “I want to, I really do, but I can't. I think I'll head south or maybe east, I don't know yet.”

“What? Of course, you can come home.”

“Jake... there are other vampires here in Seattle, and most of them are creations of Victoria. One or more of them could already have my scent. If I come home than I risk them following me there. I will not – cannot – risk that.”

“If there are still vamps that might be after you, then this is the safest place for you.”

“Why? So another of you can die protecting me? It's not worth it – I'm not worth it.”

“Of course you are, please come –”

“Bye Jake,” she said, quickly cutting him off and hanging up the phone. Her phone started to ring before she managed to get it turned off. Then there was nothing but silence once she was successful.

She put it in her saddlebag and then quickly got on her bike, thinking about maybe heading to California as she started her bike up and rode toward the highway.

When she reached the highway heading south, she saw a giant billboard advertising bungee jumping twenty miles to the north. She spun the bike around, doing an illegal u-turn, as she made a split-second decision to head north instead.

 


	6. Chapter 5 - That Pain to Keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

 

**Chapter 5 – That Pain to Keep**

Alice was vaguely aware as her family started to pack for a trip back to Forks so they could get Bella's father and take him with them to the hospital where Bella was at. Unfortunately, it wasn't what she was seeing. Instead, Alice was seeing a very murky future, which she didn't understand at all.

“What do they call you?” a man with ashy blonde hair asked. He was dressed in very simple black clothes – the type of outfit that could be anywhere from a few months old or several hundred years old.

“Bella, my name was Bella when I was human.” She didn't sound like the Bella that Alice remembered anymore. Instead, her voice was more high pitched – more of a soprano. She was definitely a vampire, but Alice wasn't at all sure where Bella was or who the other vampires were.

“Then it's still Bella...”

“... or perhaps it's not,” another man with dark hair said. 

Both of the men had deep red eyes, but Bella's were pitch black. 

She wrapped her arms around her waist. “I don't know who I am anymore.” 

“Why is that?”

“Why are you here?”

“What are you looking for?”

“Where did you come from?”

The two males asked the questions in tandem, never breaking stride.

“I... I was abandoned by my mate. I should be dead. I shot myself. I remember that. But he turned me, or maybe my hallucination of him turned me. I'm not sure anymore. He should have let me die. He already destroyed me years ago. I don't get why he did this to me.”

“A hallucination?” the blonde one asked. 

“I think so. I don't know what's real anymore.”

The vision faded as quickly as it had come to Alice, leaving her completely reeling. She tried to find the vision again, but it was gone, and she couldn't figure out what had brought it on.

“Alice, are you alright?” Jasper asked, kneeling in front of her. 

“I just saw Bella as a vampire. At least I think I did, but it doesn't make sense.”

“Well, if she's in as bad of shape as Edward made it sound over the phone, turning her may be the only way to save her life, so it really isn't all that surprising.”

“I know that, but it was as if she didn't believe he turned her. Her words made her seem very confused, but she said her mate abandoned her, she talked about how she should be dead, and then she made a statement about how her hallucination turned her... we weren't there in this vision. None of us.”

Jasper's brow furrowed together.

“I don't understand what I saw, Jasper. Does Edward turn her and then we all abandon her yet again? Are those the kind of people we really are? Are we that monstrous?”

“Maybe she chose to leave. You said she was confused, so it's hard to say. You've seen it now though, so we know, and we'll be able to help her through this. We can make sure that vision doesn't come to pass.”

“Yeah, you're right. You have to be.” Alice said the words, but in her gut, she didn't believe he was correct because there was something about the vision, in spite of how murky and distant it had been, which felt exceedingly final to her.

Was Edward actually saving Bella if he turned her? Or was she so broken mentally that turning her would completely destroy her? Was the reason Alice had always only been able to see Bella killing herself because her death was the only true way to save her anymore?

Alice felt heartsick as the numerous questions popped into her head.

_May 2007_

“Have you ever jumped out of a plane before?” the instructor shouted at her as the door was opened on the side of the plane.

She'd filled out their stupid questionnaire, answering the questions of her experience with skydiving, so she was sure the instructor knew that she had.

Back in October, she'd spent just over a month bungee jumping before _his_ voice had vanished and she'd grown bored with it. After that she'd started skydiving, he'd stayed with her longer from the skydiving than he had any of her previous extreme sports. It had taken almost six long months for him to stop telling her that what she was doing was foolish and dangerous, but when he vanished she'd immediately headed to California where she'd heard about another extreme sport.

Free-fall skydiving straight into the ocean. It was sort of like a mix of cliff diving and skydiving, and she was desperate to try it, desperate to hear _his v_ oice in her head and screaming at her to stop her madness.

She _needed_ to hear his voice, needed that next hit of her true drug of choice because his voice was the only thing that kept her sane.

“Yeah, quite a few times... though this is going to be my first time without a parachute all the way down,” she shouted back to the jump instructor.

“Well just remember you don't have to disconnect from the parachute if you don't want to, most people don't, the first few times they jump. It's a pretty terrifying thing hitting the water after dropping out of a jet, even without doing it parachute free.”

She felt like the instructor was flirting with her, and was tempted to cross her arms over her chest in a show of stubbornness. She didn't date, wasn't into guys, not anymore. She hadn't been into guys since _he_ had left, at least not really. Her brief attempt to move on with Jacob had ended in disaster and she often wondered if her insistence to try and be a normal girl was the reason that Leah had ended up dead. Perhaps if she'd accept how much of a freak she really was a few months earlier than she had, the wolves wouldn't have felt a foolish need to try and save her life.

“Just go over with me what I do again.”

“Okay, this 'watch' on your arm tells you when you need to release your parachute by beeping once. It also vibrates. If you've skydived before than you know the altitude that you'll be at, at that time. After you get down to about 150 feet above the water, the 'watch' beeps again. Even if you have really good reflexes, you'll have dropped at least another thirty feet before you can hit the disconnect button. Once the parachute is disconnected, it is a very fast drop into that water. You're suit and helmet will protect you, but even so, it is recommended you hit the water feet first.”

“I got it.”

“Okay, then it's time to jump.”

Bella stepped up to the door. In spite of all the times she'd skydived, she'd never really jumped, it was more like she just stepped into the air than actually jumping.

She stepped out of the door.

There was an instant of complete weightlessness as the air rushed around her, but the adrenaline that used to come with the thirty seconds or so of free-fall wasn't there any longer. There was also no voice in her head, screaming at her that she was being an idiot.

When the thing around her wrist beeped, she pulled the ripcord to release the parachute and continued her fall towards the water.

It wasn't until she was down to the last minute of falling, and she started to anticipate pressing the button to disconnect the parachute from her pack that she started to hear _his_ voice.

_Just what the hell do you think you're doing?_

She smiled widely. _Whatever I want._

_You promised not to do anything reckless._

_We've been over this before. You promised peace without reminders. Since your promise was broken the moment you made it, you can just screw off. I see no point in keeping to my end of the bargain._

_I would keep my end if you'd keep yours._

_That's impossible, you selfish jackass, you left me – a human – with a broken mate bond and a tattered soul._

The 'watch' beeped. She pressed the button.

_BELLA!_

The parachute disconnected from her back, and suddenly she was dropping in a rush again.

She hit the water.

 


	7. Chapter 6 - A New Blow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

******Chapter 6 – A New Blow**  

As they were driving from Port Angeles to Fork, everything went completely black for Alice.

“Stop the car!” she shrieked.

Carlisle immediately pulled over and turned to stare at her. “What is it?”

“Our future completely disappears when we reach Forks, and I can't find our future again. I have no clue what it means.”

She felt Jasper's eyes on the side of her head. “What about Edward's future? Or one of our friends? Can you still see their futures?”

Alice closed her eyes and focused on Edward's immediate future, she could see him staring down at Bella's unresponsive form – hooked up to far too many wires.

“Yeah, I can still see Edward's future.”

“So it's something to do with the town then? Has this happened before?” Jasper asked.

“No,” Alice said instantly and then frowned. “Actually, maybe.”

“What do you mean, maybe?”

“Aside from one time, shortly before Edward came back to live with us, I never deliberately looked for Bella... But in the first seven months after we left I got an occasional half moment vision of Bella before I managed to pull myself out, but there was one time when I saw her at Edward's meadow, and a shadow in the trees and then the vision just ended. I didn't pull myself out, it simply stopped. At the time, I didn't think much about it, but now I'm wondering.”

“Is there some commonality between then and now?” Jasper asked softly.

Alice thought back to each minute detail from the vision she lost more than five years ago. Finally, she sighed. “There's really no similarity between the two occasions, aside from the fact that both now and then have something to do with Bella. And since I can get flashes of Bella's future where she's currently at, it obviously isn't about her.”

Alice rubbed her temples, trying to force herself to see their future after they reached Forks, but it was just blank.

“We need to continue on into Forks to check on Charlie. We owe it to both Edward and Bella. We rely heavily on you, Alice, but we did spend decades without a psychic. We'll just need to be cautious as we go into Forks.” Carlisle's words were relaxed and straight forward.

Normally, his demeanor would have calmed Alice, but there was one problem with Carlisle's statement. The family might not have always had Alice, but for thirty years prior to her joining them, they had Edward. His mind reading might not have been as effective as her future sight was, but it was still a strong defense. She knew Carlisle was right though, they needed to continue to Forks and discover exactly who or what was awaiting them there. They needed to get Charlie and take him with them to the hospital where Bella was.

She got a quick momentary flash of Rosalie asking if Bella was really even worth it, but Rosalie wisely kept her mouth shut and didn't actually ask the question. Alice might have actually torn her sister's head off if she had.

Sighing, Alice finally nodded, accepting they had to continue on.

Carlisle restarted the car and continued the drive to Forks.

_August 2007_

Bella had finally set down a few meager roots in a bad part of town on the outskirts of Las Angeles at a cheap motel with crappy furniture and a generally poorly up-kept state. She didn't care, though. It was better than living on the streets, at least as long as she chose to remain in California. The best part about staying at the rent by night motel was she could pick up and leave at the drop of a pin if she absolutely needed to – not that she was expecting it to happen, but after being hunted by Victoria, she was learning how to prepare for the absolute worst.

Of course, all the preparation in the world couldn't prepare her for her jittery nerves now that she'd been too long without hearing _his_ voice, nor could it prepare her for the aching hole in her chest which continually got worse no matter what she did.

Her freefall skydiving had come to an end more than a month prior, and Bella was now waffling with no idea how to force _his_ voice to come back to her again.

She was actually wondering if she should try to give him up – or at least the only part of him she still had. But the mere thought of not chasing the voice made her want to give up even trying to survive.

She'd so far made it almost two years without him in her life, two long years where every day the pain in her chest was a physical struggle to breathe through. And it was only when she was chasing down his voice – the distant echo which her mind managed to bring forward even after all this time and allowed her to breathe again for a few brief moments. Some part of her realized his voice wasn't quite accurate, just a dull reflection based on her memories. In the same way, she knew that in reality, his voice would probably be steeped in revulsion if he truly saw her now. After all, the real him didn't care one iota about her. Still, the concern from his voice in her head when she was being reckless was the only thing truly allowing her to make it from one day to the next.

Unfortunately, she wasn't quite as certain how to make his voice appear to her now that she'd ran out of extreme sports to try. She'd looked up extreme sports online at a library, but hadn't found anything which truly made her believe it would bring forward his apparition again.

The only thing she had found in her searches online, though it wasn't an extreme sport, was something called stabberscotch and she suspected it would make him talk to her again, but she wasn't sure she could handle doing it. The idea of stabbing a knife between each finger and slowly getting faster and faster until she messed up and accidentally stabbed herself – potentially losing a digit as a result of it – had almost zero appeal to her.

Even though every extreme sport she'd so far tried had the potential of ending with her being severely injured or even dead, this was the first which made her squeamish. But none of the other things she'd tried had a deliberately noticeable danger to bodily harm – as in, most of the things were far more likely to end in her death then end in her merely being maimed.

Bella was honest enough with herself to admit she'd rather be doing something, have it go wrong, and end up dead than end up deformed in some way. If her life was going to end up ruined – more than it already was – she wanted her life to just end.

But with each day that passed without another hit of the voice she needed to survive in her day to day life, the more tempted she was to try the knife and finger game she'd read about online.

She was tempted to call Jacob and have him talk her off of her metaphorical ledge, but she hadn't spoken to her once friend in ten long months, and the reality was she didn't want him to know how badly she was doing. He deserved his freedom from her fucked up world. He deserved the happiness he had finally found when he'd imprinted on Kristy – a happiness she refused to destroy by interrupting his life after all this time.

In that same light, she refused to ruin her father's or mother's lives. She wanted them to live happy and safe lives completely free from the supernatural world she'd been immersed in.

Because of her, a family – including _him_ – had been forced to run away from _their_ home. Because of her, Leah, a shape-shifter who potentially could have lived forever, was dead. And because of her, a young girl by the name of Bree would be a vampire for the rest of eternity. Bella wasn't going to allow the supernatural world to screw up anyone else's life over her.

In fact, she swore to herself that if she ever ran across another vampire, she was going to kill herself before she became even more lost within the world of supernatural.

Sighing, she got up and exited the motel she was staying in to head to work another day at the diner where she had found a meager waitressing job. She knew one of the other waitresses could get her hands on crack, and she couldn't help but wonder if _that_ would bring about his voice in her head. It had to be a safer option than potentially cutting off her fingers would be. She'd talk with the woman and see if she could hook her up. Though Bella didn't make a lot as a waitress, the motel she was staying in was cheap – a mere thirty bucks a night. She could afford to try and drown her issues in drugs. It _might_ just work.

 


	8. Chapter 7 - City of Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 7 – City of Heat**  

Alice did not like the way Charlie's house looked. The vines – the ones that had always grown up one side of the house – seemed to have completely overtaken that wall, the paint was chipped and peeling all over the house while also completely gone in certain areas, the drive was overrun with roots as if no one had parked in it in a long time, and the roof had giant sections with the outer shell missing. His house looked, in a word, abandoned.

She wasn't the only one to reach that conclusion either, because Carlisle stated, “I don't think he lives here anymore.”

“We should still check,” she said softly.

After all, Charlie had never been that much of a neat freak, to begin with, and perhaps after Bella had left, he'd simply stopped caring about appearances. Besides, humans were weird, and he'd hardly be the first person to live in rundown junk.

Carlisle pulled to a stop, and she quickly got out of the back seat. She could still smell Charlie's lingering scent, but it was old, extremely so. Yet, she couldn't stop sniffing. She'd never smelled something quite as rank as what was currently in the air. It smelled like a wet dog that had rolled in a skunk bath.

“What is that –”

She didn't even get to finish her question before a tall Native American stepped into view. He wore nothing other than a pair of torn jean shorts, had extremely short hair, and was easily as tall as Emmett. 

Alice felt as the rest of her family joined her, Carlisle stepping slightly in front of her.

“Your kind are not allowed here,” the Native American said loudly, his eyes angry.

“I'm Carlisle Cullen, and this is my family, we made –”

“I know who you are,” the man cut him off. “I know of the treaty my ancestor made with your kind and am aware of the agreement, but Ephraim was short-sighted and didn't understand the consequences of such a treaty. There are more of us now than there are of you, and I will not allow your kind to run rampant and destroy even more of our futures.”

“You're Jacob Black?” Carlisle asked.

Alice remembered him, as a slim and awkwardly tall sixteen-year-old boy with long hair who visited prom about six years prior, but the man in front of them now looked nothing like that boy. Not even his eyes were the same. The kid who'd come to prom had eyes of innocence and naivety, but the man standing in front of her had the eyes of a killer; hard, cold, and calculating. Of course, being a dog would probably do that to a man, which she now understand was what he was – understood it to be the smell lingering everywhere.

“I am.”

“We don't want to cause any trouble, and if you want us to leave we will, but we need to find Charlie Swan first.”

“Not that you have any right to know after that bloodsucker who doesn't appear to be with you at the moment destroyed Bella, but he's in the cemetery. Plot 27B.”

Alice let out a pained gasp, and Jasper put his arms around her. She'd come to care a great deal about Charlie in the summer before Bella's birthday. He'd been a great man, and the few visions she'd chased of his future had shown him to live well into his nineties. Of course, all of those visions had been before their family had left.

Just how many ramifications were there going to be because of them leaving?

“How did he die?” Carlisle asked.

Jacob lifted his lip in a sneer like he didn't want to reply, but answered anyway, “Heart attack a couple of years ago. He never was the same after Bella took off and though my dad and I tried to take care of him... at the end of the day we just couldn't do enough.”

“You mentioned Bella took off, why?” Alice asked. She couldn't see Bella abandoning her father.

He glared directly at her. “You should know. It was that damn brother of yours fault.”

“What does Edward have to do with this? We all left so she could have a normal human life,” Carlisle said.

He snorted. “Her human life was over the instant she met that bloodsucker. At least that's the nearest I can tell from our lore and everything she told me.”

“What do you mean?” Esme asked, her voice gentle.

Jacob's eyes flickered to her, and for a brief moment, the cold anger disappeared before it showed up again. “Nearest I can tell, she and that bloodsucker formed a mate bond. After he took off with all of you, she was doing everything she could to chase his ghost – metaphorically speaking. Talking to strange bikers in Port Angeles, visiting your old house, visiting that blasted meadow and almost becoming a vampire's next meal as a result, riding motorcycles, jumping off hundred foot cliffs into the ocean... Anything at all, which would let her hear some figment of her imagination, which manifested in the form of his voice. Of course, when she stopped getting enough adrenaline from whatever she was doing the voice stopped. I think she was only a couple of months away from leaving when she did anyway, though I might have been able to slow her down some if it hadn't been for...”

He shook his head, forcefully. “When the pink-eyed ones showed up and tore Leah apart and then she got the letter to go to Seattle, there was no stopping her.”

“Vampire? What vampire? And what do you mean pink-eyed ones?” Alice demanded. His story had more holes in it than a giant block of swiss cheese as far as she was concerned. She'd known that Bella was Edward's mate, of course. Her visions had always told her that, but it couldn't be possible for Bella, _a human_ , to have already formed that bond. It was completely unheard of.

Jacob looked at her and frowned. “I think Bella told me his name was Laurent. He'd come to Forks as a favor to the redheaded bloodsucker. Victoria. She was the one that made the pink-eyed ones. They were vampires, but stronger and more volatile than any vampire that our lore had ever told us about. We weren't prepared for them and didn't know how to fight them. We lost one of our own as a result – torn limb from limb to be precise.”

“He's talking about newborns,” Jasper said.

It was information overload for Alice, and yet she could tell, even without her vision, that his willingness to answer questions was running out. “You said Bella received a letter?”

“Yeah, from the redhead. It told her to go to Seattle alone, and no one else would have to die. I wasn't leader of the pack at the time and after what happened to Leah, most of the rest of the pack didn't want to continue protecting Bella, didn't want to risk more of us dying just to protect a leech lover. So... she left. Went to Seattle. I'm pretty sure she wasn't planning on surviving it, and I know she didn't really want to. But she did. I still remember that call, when she told me Victoria had been killed by a vampire of her own creation. Bella said she was going to head south, and that was the last I ever heard from her. So if you're trying to find Bella, I don't know, and Charlie didn't know. Frankly, I wouldn't tell you even if I did know.”

“We already know where she is. She's in a hospital in California, that's why we were trying to find Charlie. He is her legal next of kin,” Carlisle said calmly.

She looked at Carlisle in shock. She wouldn't have told the angry dog anything.

“In the hospital? What hospital? And why?” Jacob demanded, instantly taking a step forward.

“She was shot in the head and is on life support at the Los Angeles Community Hospital.”

“Fuck!” Jacob swore, his body shaking slightly for a moment before it stopped. “You could try her mom in Florida. Last I knew, Renee was still alive.” He turned and started to walk away before turning back to look at them. “I want you out of Forks and to never come back. Fifteen of us have become werewolves, Leah's dead, and Bella's life was completely destroyed all because of your guys' return to this area. I won't allow it to happen again in another three generations.” He continued his walk back into the forest without waiting for a response.

“What do we do now?” Alice asked.

“I guess we try Renee,” Emmett said in his best _duh_ voice.

_February 2008_

She felt like she was burning up. It wasn't the same type of fire that she'd felt when her wrist had been bitten by the vampire, wasn't the type of fire from a fever, nor the pins and needle burn from a healing bone. No, it was worse than all three combined. And yet, she loved it, because of the drug – a legal high called purple sticky salvia – let her forget absolutely everything.

She couldn't remember her own name while she was on it, let alone the name of the handsome devil with windblown copper hair she kept hallucinating. The one that kept on telling her how stupid she was being and how she'd promised to be safe.

She didn't remember making such a promise, and in all honesty, if she had, then she'd been an idiot. No one could ever be safe, not in this world. The world of vampires with red, black, and pink eyes, the world of werewolves, and the world of broken hearts... she wasn't sure how she remembered that stuff, but she did.

She was also ninety percent sure the one she kept hallucinating, sometimes with gold eyes and other times with emerald green, was also a vampire. Once again, she couldn't remember how she knew that, but she did.

Unfortunately, it never lasted, and then she was left shivering as the painful memories – of her name, who she was, who he was, and why she wanted to forget in the first place – slowly returned.

 


	9. Chapter 8 - Misery Loves Company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

  **Chapter 8 – Misery Loves Company**

They were only about halfway to Florida when Alice was slammed with a vision of what they were going to find upon their arrival.

“I'm sorry to hear Bella's been injured, but she's an adult and responsible for her own well-being,” a man who Alice couldn't immediately place said coldly as he stared at her family.

“If we could just speak with Bella's mom, Renee. This is really important, Phil,” Carlisle stated, his voice extremely calm, placating even.

“I'm sure it is, just as I'm sure Renee would do anything for her prodigal daughter who could do no wrong – even after she essentially ran her own father into an early grave with her wild whims – but Renee has late-stage stomach cancer, and she's not in the physical health to help Bella. I won't have her wasting what little life she has left traipsing after her. I'm sorry, but whatever trouble Bella has found herself in, she can get herself out of it.” Phil stood in front of a door to a relatively large beach house, and it seemed as if the sun had only barely gone down.

“I remember Bella used to talk fondly of you. I'd have thought you'd have felt the same,” Alice's future self said to him.

“I liked her when Renee and I were dating, even thought she'd be an amazing step-daughter, but she turned into a real troublemaker after she moved to Forks. Honestly, I now suspect the accident in Phoenix was actually of her own creation. She has my sympathy, but my wife can't help her.”

“You don't understand, Bella was shot in the head. Renee is Bella's next and only living kin.”

“That's not our problem.” Phil stared them down for a few seconds before finally opening the door behind him to go back inside.

Jasper stepped forward, but she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“It's no use,” she murmured.

Alice pulled herself out of the vision wanting to pull her hair out by the roots as she did so, but deciding against it, knowing that it wouldn't grow back if she did.

“There's no point in continuing onto Florida. We won't find any help there.”

Alice could feel the eyes on her from her entire family, but it was Jasper who spoke up, “Don't we need to get Bella's mom for Bella's sake?”

“There's no point. Renee has late-stage stomach cancer, at least that's what we'll be advised by Phil if we continue on our path. He's not very happy with Bella's choices and won't even let us in to talk to her mom. I'm not sure she's in the condition to help us even if we could somehow convince him to let us in.”

“What are we supposed to do then? There's no other next of kin for us to go to with her,” Carlisle pointed out.

Alice shrugged. “I suppose we'll need to forge some documents. It'll hardly be the first time.”

_September 2008_

She was twenty-one today. She knew it was supposed to be one of the biggest days of her life, as her fellow waitress had reminded her over and over for the last few months. Bella supposed she could understand where the woman was coming from, but in all honesty, she wasn't that kind of person.

She wasn't sure she'd ever been such a person, even before... Well, before everything.

Besides, she'd been stone cold sober for two months – off both the drugs and the alcohol. Neither the drunk nor the high lasted long enough. They also didn't allow her to hear and _remember_ the voice she so desperately needed to hear in order to get through her day to day life. As it hadn't helped her to reach and keep the heightened level of anxiety which caused the adrenaline, dopamine, and endorphin rush needed to successfully manifest _his_ voice, there was really no point for her to get high or drunk anymore.

Still... she needed something because it felt like it had been years since she'd heard so much as a murmur from _him_ , though she knew it hadn't been that long. It had actually only been a couple of weeks – when she'd been followed back to her motel by some asshole after working for twelve hours straight at the little hole-in-the-wall diner.

She'd actually let him follow her until a few blocks from where she was going because she'd learned that danger and fear were the main things which brought on _his_ voice. And it was _his_ voice she sought and chased with her every breath.

In a few short days it would be three full years since _he'd_ walked away, leaving her broken and alone, and she still needed him. If she truly had formed a mate bond – something which even Jacob agreed had to have happened – then she'd always need him. At least until she died.

She sometimes wondered if death wouldn't be better because at least then it would be over... But she lived for that voice, and if she was dead, she'd no longer be able to hear it. Simple logic told her that death couldn't be an option because of that, at least not intentional death – she wasn't stupid enough to believe one of the things she did wouldn't eventually get her killed.

In fact, it wouldn't shock her if her death didn't happen sooner rather than later, especially with the way her mind was heading.

Bella sighed. She needed to get out of her motel for her birthday, do something, preferably something which would cause _him_ to speak to her again, maybe even to appear to her.

But she'd run out of extreme sports to try. Though she supposed there was still stabberscotch to try. Of course, she still wasn't desperate enough to potentially maim herself just so she could hear him... but she was getting there.

Finally, an idea popped into her head, and she sat up from her bed, grabbing her blackberry up and pulling up the internet. She waited for the small screen to load the internet search bar before typing in a single question.

_Does sex cause an adrenaline rush?_

 


	10. Chapter 9 - Descent to Purgatory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

******Chapter 9 – Descent to Purgatory**

The Los Angeles Community Hospital proved difficult to get into as they had to wait until evening, after the sun had set, to actually leave their car and go inside.

But they'd finally made their way in... And now Alice wasn't sure what to do.

She knew exactly what room Bella was in, and she'd told her family where to go, but she'd turned and walked the other way.

In some ways, Alice felt bad for her choice to walk away – not only from her family but from the only human she'd ever thought of as a friend as well – but the truth was she simply couldn't handle it. Often times her family thought of he ability as a gift, and she wouldn't deny that there had been times in the past where she had felt the same, but the truth was that it was a curse.

Because, in truth, if she'd never had her ability, she never would have seen the car wreck back over six years ago, never would have had the chance to form emotions for the human who would have died at that point... never would have known the wrenching pain she felt now. And she wouldn't already know what she'd find if she decided to go into that hospital room.

But, because of her curse, she did. After all, she could already see it in her mind. She could see, without going anywhere near Bella's hospital room, all the pumps, tubes, and machines that Bella was hooked up to. She could watch as Carlisle picked up Bella's chart and looked over it – could read where it had her marked as a 5 on the FOUR score scale and could see the notations on the bottom that were suggesting Persistent Vegetative State with a high likelihood of ultimately being brain dead. She could see it all without ever getting anywhere _near_ the room that housed her once sister and friend.

And it only got worse. She never complained to her family, never vocalized her own hatred for the gift she'd likely been born with, and definitely awakened with after she was turned. Yes, it had led her to her understanding of being a vegetarian, led her to finding Jasper and the Cullens, led her to helping and saving her family far more than one time over the years. But, and it was a _big but_ , it ate away at her in a way that she couldn't truly vocalize.

And honestly, how would it be fair for her to speak of her hatred for her gift when she saw how both Edward and Jasper struggled with their own gifts that they could never turn off without ever stating their true opinions. So she kept it to herself.

She threw herself into _living,_ buying thousands of dollars worth of clothes, spending hundreds of thousands on cars and houses, investing millions in the stock market, and so much more. She danced with the morning sun, sang because she could, spoke a mile a minute, and loved with the sunset all so she could live life just a little more.

And for all that, one little _insignificant_ human was the only thing it took to _ruin_ everything.

If she'd been able to see this far in the future from the beginning and known the end result, she would have killed Bella herself. Prevented her own heartache... Prevented Edward's. If she'd known that the vision she'd once seen of Edward and Bella's wedding day – the vision that had prompted her to order the custom wedding gown from Perrine Bruyere in the first place – was all a lie she would have never let Edward figure out he was in love with Bella.

She'd have prevented it all, if only her curse had let her know from the very beginning that Bella's destiny was death.

Of course, perhaps if she'd paid better attention, she'd have realized it from the start. After all, just how many times had Bella almost died in those first weeks after she'd moved to Forks – more times than Bella herself had been aware of. Edward had almost killed the human well over a dozen times on that first day. And after he came back from Alaska, Alice had gotten no less than half a dozen visions every _single day_ showing Edward losing control and killing the human.

Alice had always known it was an uphill battle. But, at the time, she'd thought it was worth it. Worth the risk of disaster for the chance at Edward finding his true happiness. And then they left.

And though she'd contemplated returning and changing Bella herself, she'd never followed through. Not until it was too late, because, by the time she'd actually gotten up the courage to follow through and had looked to see what would happen, Bella's future of death was already set in stone.

Now, she kept rubbing her metaphorical crystal ball to try and see a different fate, she wasn't finding any. The darkness in her head told her exactly what Bella's fate truly was.

She didn't need to go into that hospital room and look upon her friend, her sister, to know that Bella was going to die.

As far as she could tell, there was no hope for Bella.

She continued walking farther into the hospital, not caring where she was going.

_September 2008_

Bella waited impatiently for the bouncer – a man named Earl with a paunchy beer gut, graying hair, and bleary eyes who didn't look capable of throwing a spider out let alone anything of greater substance – to hand her ID back.

“Just turned twenty-one, I see.” Earl leered at her, looking at her in a way that made her want to cover her chest – not that he could see through her black t-shirt.

Sure, she'd come here to hopefully get laid, and she knew she wasn't going to find prince charming at this seedy bar called Ball Busters Dog, but she was certain she could do better than the ugly fifty-something bouncer.

“That's right,” she replied.

“Tell the bartender, the first drink will be on the house.” He handed her ID over.

She took it and headed inside.

The inside of the bar did not disappoint – given the joke of a name. There were probably two dozen tables and booths spread around inside, each of which looking like a light wind would pulverize them to sawdust. The seats, both the booths and the chairs, were covered in red velvet that looked like they hadn't been cleaned in decades. The walls were covered in numerous stains, including several with a suspicious copper coloring similar to that of dried blood. And there was a pool table that looked like it had seen better days... a hundred years prior.

She didn't even know how to get started describing the lack of disrepair at the bar she made a beeline towards. And yet, in spite of the clear lackluster shape of the place, it was packed.

Every table and booth was full. The pool table, which she certainly wouldn't play on given the obvious tilt to the table even if she knew how to, had four people playing at it. And almost every stool at the bar was full.

A lot of the people at this place were what Bella was sure her dad would consider to be less than reputable, but honestly, Bella didn't care. She wasn't there to meet a new love interest. What she'd decided on was quite simple, get laid. There was no guarantee that it would pull Edward's voice out of her subconscious, but given that even though she was looking for it, her heart wasn't truly in it she suspected it would work.

Bella took the last seat at the bar, sitting at the far end and right beside a man who instantly reminded her of James without him even speaking.

The bartender was busy on the other end so she casually looked around, wondering if any of the men at the bar – most of them completely disgusting to look at – would be who she propositioned herself to.

“What's a pretty lady like you doing at a place like this?”

The voice of the man beside her caused her to involuntarily shiver.

 _Be careful, Bella_ , Edward half snarled in her head.

She smiled. “I'm looking for an adrenaline rush.”

_I said be careful!_

_And I'm ignoring you. You pathological liar._ The conversations she managed to have with the Edward in her head were surely enough to have her hospitalized if anyone other than her ever found out.

“Ah, I see. And that's why you sat next to me?”

Her brow furrowed slightly in genuine confusion.

_Don't trust him._

_Go to hell, Edward,_ she thought back. “Why yes it is, actually,” she claimed, pretending that she knew what the fuck she was talking about.

“And who told you to get in touch with me?”

Bella thought fast. “A birdy. You know names aren't shared.” She was blowing so much smoke out of her own ass with that line that she was relatively sure her stool should have caught on fire.

The man in the stool beside her chuckled. “I like you already. Well, whoever told you about me might have been all smoke and mirrors, but you will be sharing your name with me as I'll be the one helping you get in if you really want it. My name's Greg.” He held out his hand.

_Don't you dare tell him your name!_

_Why not? It's not like you're here to actually stop me._

_Get off that stool and GO HOME!_ Edward shouted the last two words in her head.

She smiled widely as she put her hand in Greg's. “Name's Bella.”

“Well, Bella. How much do you know about RR?”

She was baffled. “RR?”

He leaned into her, whispering, “Russian Roulette.”

 


	11. Chapter 10 - The Bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 10 – The Bottom**

 

Alice had been wandering the hospital for a good eight hours or more when her vision of her family went completely black.

For a moment she stilled completely, fear keeping her from churning into action the way she knew she should.

A human – maybe a doctor or nurse – touching her arm and asking her if she was alright had her spinning and racing away from the mere mortal. In that instant, she didn't care if she revealed her true nature to the whole damn hospital.

She was already pretty sure she was going to lose her best friend – her sister in all but blood. And she was already losing Edward, with every moment that passed, she was more and more sure of that.

She refused to lose anyone else that mattered to her.

She couldn't let it happen.

Alice darted down one hall after another, hearing some startled breaths as she passed by the foolish humans – even though she knew they couldn't really see anything, just a blur rushing by. It would be concerning to her... if she wasn't so worried about her family at the moment. But her family was all that mattered to her.

When she reached the hall that nested Bella's room, she heard it, a voice from just a couple days ago – a voice she never thought she'd hear again.

“You are vampires. Don't stand there and tell me that she's brain dead. Bite her, and fucking fix her already.” Jacob's voice was so angry and loud that Alice immediately glanced around to make sure there were no nurses or doctors in hearing range before she darted into the room.

“What the hell is going on? And why did the future just disappear?” She demanded the instant she was inside.

“What do you mean the future disappeared?” Jasper asked, stepping over to her.

“Bella's has been a giant blank since... Well, since she shot herself. But all of a sudden, all of our futures vanished. Just one gaping black hole of nothingness. What the hell changed! It's like –” Alice broke off, narrowing her eyes at the wolf-boy “– like Forks all over again. With its wolf infestation and all.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jacob turned toward her, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jasper was between them in an instant. “If you value your –”

She spoke over her mate, “You. Your kind is making my _sight_ blind. It's why I wasn't able to see the future when we went to Forks. Why my family's future is currently blank. It's probably why that one time I had a vision of Bella in the meadow after we'd left, it disappeared almost as fast as it appeared. It won't surprise me if it's been the reason why I've been unable to get a lock on Bella's future. What are you planning to do? Have Edward turn her and then poison her against us?”

Jacob snorted. “Hardly, even if she was still human... Most of the wolves are not a huge fan of her, and it would never work... Forget about her being a baby vampire. I've seen how volatile and insane your kind are when they're new. My imprint is in La Push, and the tribe is in La Push. If she's turned, I would have to wash my hands of her. But at least she'd be alive in some form, if she was a vampire. And I may not love her the way I once did, but she's still my friend – my best friend in the whole world – even after all this time.

“As for poisoning her against you, I don't need to. All of you need look no further than a mirror for who would poison her against you. You can't begin to fathom the damage you did to her when you left. She's human, clearly incapable of handling the pain of your kind's mate bond once it was broken by that asshole leaving, but that's exactly what she had to endure.”

Edward, where he was standing near Bella's bed, flinched, his face contorting in physical pain.

“What? What is it?” Alice demanded of him immediately.

“It's just memories,” he muttered.

“Then stay out of my head,” Jacob snarled, turning on Edward.

Even though she was blind, she noticed as Jasper stiffened, and so she reached out and stopped him from attacking. In spite of her inability to see the future, she had a suspicion that Jake might just be the key to it all... She wasn't sure why.

_October 2008_

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Greg asked for what felt like the thousandth time.

“Yes, I'm sure,” she said, rolling her eyes heavenward. Honestly, if the man asked her one more time, she was going to sock him as hard as she could. Even if she wasn't there for the adrenaline rush which would trigger _his_ voice in her head... the money alone was tempting.

It didn't use to be something she thought about, but barely having enough money every day to pay for her motel, forget money for food or water that was actually sanitary to drink, had made her realize just how valuable cash really was. 

“Well, it's your last chance to back out. Once your at that table, there's no leaving until the match is over.”

He didn't say it, but she knew the end of it well as he'd drilled it into her many times over the last few weeks. The reality was, there was a fifty-fifty shot she wouldn't even survive what she was about to do.

Until she'd met Greg, she'd never even imagined such a world as the community of people he'd introduced her to existed – she'd never imagined such a sport.

But she'd already gone with him once to watch a Russian Roulette match. It had been nerve-racking to watch, and even just watching had brought forward _his_ snarls.

The thing was, she needed more than just a few snarls. Bella needed to hear _his_ voice telling her to stop with every breath she took. She needed to feel _him_ near her, even though she knew it was only in her head.

And the truth was, an instant death at the hands of a bullet didn't seem to be that bad of an end to her should things go wrong. It had to be a quicker, simpler death than drowning in the ocean or being bowled over by a train or going splat on hard land.

So she would take her chances with the revolving gauntlet and sit at the table that always meant death for at least one person.

It would be worth it, if only _he'd_ yell at her again. At least one more time.

She needed that hit of her preferred poison so badly she could taste it.

“I get it, Greg. I'm ready. Hell, I'm more than ready.”

She knew the man getting her into this match, Greg, thought her to be just another thrill seeker. She supposed she was, but it was about more than just adrenaline with her. Instead, it was all about what the adrenaline brought on. It was about the voice of the man who'd left her broken and bleeding – not physically, but on the inside – that she sought with a desperation that some small sane part of her understood to be extremely unhealthy.

Of course, she'd stopped caring about that sane part when _he'd_ left.

“Very well.” He opened the door to the room. “Go on in and take your seat on the right side of the table.”

She walked through it, flinching slightly at the loud bang as the door swung shut.

She couldn't help but believe, at least partly, that it was the slamming of a coffin lid.

 


	12. Chapter 11 - The Road to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 11 – The Road to Hell**

Finding the perfect property to get so they could move out of the hospital – either to let Bella die or to change her – proved extremely difficult for Alice with the mutt involved.

The mutt, who she'd love to put out to pasture, refused to leave though... Besides, she still had a feeling that he was key to saving Bella's life, though she had no clue how.

Still, Alice finally found a house outside of the city limits which was for sale. And with a little a bit of extra persuasion was able to get the property immediately.

From there, it was a simple matter of Carlisle using his weight as a well-respected doctor to get Bella removed from the hospital.

It wasn't until after Bella was situated in the house that Edward went on the offensive.

“I am not turning her. We don't know what will happen if I bite her in her current state.”

“There's no coming back from this, son. If you aren't willing to change her, then it's time to let her go,” Carlisle said gently.

“People have come back from being brain dead before.”

“Yes, there are cases where, a girl after being taken off of life-support and being transported in a jet in a sub-zero cooler to where she's to be buried, somehow wakes up. But those types of cases are extremely rare. And none of them were dealing with someone who was shot in the head at point blank range and then left for dead for days. The reality is, how she even survived until you found her, I'll never know.”

Alice looked away at Carlisle's words, blinking hard. She couldn't physically cry tears, it was one thing vampires simply weren't capable of, but the feeling – one she didn't a hundred percent understand as she had no memories of being human – was still there.

“Alice. What do you see?” Edward demanded.

Alice whirled on him. “Do you not listen! Her future is blank. Nothing. I've got _nothing_ , Edward.”

“I thought you figured out that was because of Jacob?”

“It might be, but if it is, he's still here. Thus I have a blockage. But honestly I'm not sure if the future for her is blank is because of him or because she has, practically, none.”

“Practically none?”

“I've had one vision of her, and that singular vision showed her as a vampire, Edward. My guess is part of the reason that I haven't seen any others is because you're so dead set against her becoming one of us.” But she knew how to change it. After all, she knew what Carlisle would do if he found out just what Edward was planning if Bella died. The thing was, as she stared Edward, with his still red eyes, down – knowing he could hear her thoughts – she honestly wondered if he wouldn't do the same even if she were changed.

As far as she was concerned, her brother had proved himself to be just that stupid-stubborn in the last couple of weeks... Unless he made the decision to change her, himself, that was.

Edward stared her down for a moment, before finally asking, “Do you honestly believe that? Do you really think that little of me?”

“You can see _exactly_ what I think in my head,” she said, shaking her head and continuing aloud after a moment, even though she knew he could hear her thoughts. “I don't even know you anymore, Edward. Five and a half years ago, before we left, I saw you and her together, as one, as mates. I saw her happy as a vampire and madly in love with you. I saw you two hunting, side-by-side. Five and a half years ago, I saw you two _married._

“Then you made a decision that not only destroyed your life, but destroyed our lives –” she swung her arms wide, encompassing the entire family in her gesture “– _her life_ , her dad's, and quite possibly the mutts as well. What's worse is _you knew it, and we knew it_. And since mating bonds don't work one-way, Edward, _they knew it_. Also, some part of her knew it, too. It's why she was living half a life by chasing down adrenaline-made visions of _you_.

“I tried to fix it, just before you came home. But by then, it was already too late. So can you blame me for thinking you'd make, yet another, stupid mistake? And honestly, at this point, I'm not even sure you killing yourself _would be_ a mistake. It might be the best thing for everyone for all I know.”

The truth was, between the holes in her visions and how badly Edward's choice had changed everything, she didn't trust herself anymore, let alone anyone else.

“Alice, I'm...” He trailed off for a moment, finally continuing after not saying anything for several minutes. “I'm so sorry.”

“Don't be sorry. Just fix it. I don't even care how anymore.”

Alice turned and left, barely noticing as Jasper followed.

“You don't mean it,” he said softly, putting his hand on her arm.

“Oh, don't I?” she asked darkly, turning on her mate. “I _hate_ him. I _hate_ her.”

“But you love them.” He pointed out gently.  
  
“Well, love is cruel.”

“Very few things worthwhile in life aren't.” Jasper pulled her into his arms, and she closed her eyes, resting her head against his chest.

In that instant, she saw a flash of the future – of Edward's teeth slicing cleanly into Bella's neck.

_March 2009_

Bella wasn't sure she was ready for this match. It was her fifth time at the table of death, but unlike with the first four times, she wasn't facing off against someone who was as new as her.

No, this time she was being placed against Undefeatable Waylon. Supposedly he had a cool thirty-six times at the table – all wins, of course.

Admittedly, she'd had a chance to say no to the match, but the very fact that he seemed to always win actually appealed to her. If _he_ screamed at her in a normal match, she could only just imagine what he would do with her facing off against certain death.

The thing was, even though she craved what she knew she'd get from the match, was there ever anyone who was _truly_ prepared to die? She strongly suspected the answer was no.

Besides, on the off chance she did win, the six-digit sum she'd get – a mere ten percent of what Greg was making on her – was extremely tempting. It would be nice to make a down payment on a house, perhaps even quit working at the shoddy diner.

Bella took her seat across from the table, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

 _Just what the hell are you doing?_ Edward demanded in her head.

 _Living my life. Go away._ The thing was, she didn't want him to go away, but arguing with him seemed to always make him all the more livid and keep him around.

_Don't you dare do this!_

_You made that same demand the first four times, and I'm going to say the same thing I said then. Fuck you, Edward._

As she opened her eyes, a pudgy man sat across the table from her. He was older, probably in his sixties, at least, with a balding head and wrinkled face. If it weren't for the fact that his eyes were dead, he'd probably look nice, like someone's grandpa or even Santa.

The referee stepped up to the table and started to explain the rules that had already gotten to the point of being tediously boring – like anyone really needed to be told that leaving before the end of the match was a death sentence. Honestly, she wasn't sure how the man across from her hadn't strangled the referee by now.

Finally, the referee handed the gun to him and the bullet to her, and she proceeded to do her due diligence inspecting it – just like Greg had shown her – before handing it back to the ref and then the items were swapped. It was yet another boring part of Russian Roulette, but at least she understood the value of it.

Once the items were returned to the referee the second time, he loaded the bullet into the cylinder, spinning it and closing it, before handing it to her.

_Stop this madness at one!_

_No._ It was only the first shot after all. There was only a one in six chance that she'd blow her brains out. She raised her hand – shaking ever so slightly as she did so – to her her temple, and pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

Blowing out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding, she handed the gun back to the ref, who proceeded to open the cylinder, spin it, and shut it, all before passing it over to Waylon.

The man brought the gun to his head and pulled the trigger as if he'd done it a thousand times – it was possible he had, or somewhere close to it anyways. _**Click**_

The man handed it back to the ref, who repeated his standard process before handing the gun to her for her second dance with death of night.

_You're insane. That's it. You've completely lost it! Now stop this before it's too late!_

_If you only are just figuring that out, Edward, then... Well, pot, meet kettle._

The glorious anger surging through her at Edward's holier-than-thou opinions – like he could possibly understand what she was going through given that he'd left – allowed her a much calmer hand as she brought the gun to her temple a second time and pulled the trigger. _**Click**_

She handed the gun over, and it was returned to Waylon's side in short order.

He brought it to his head and pulled the trigger. **BANG**

Bella jumped in her seat, staring as the man with the undefeated record fell sideways to the floor, lifeless.

She couldn't believe she'd won.

She hadn't expected to.

Part of her hadn't even wanted to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A little tip of my hat to the Twilight movie, for any who noticed.


	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or anything else in the series as I am not Stephenie Meyer. 
> 
> A/N: So, I know this is going to come as a shock to everyone, but here we are, at the end of this story. I will say that my original plan was this was going to be a much longer story, but, there's just no way for me to write 30 to 40 chapters of this level of angst. And, at the end of the day, I always saw this as being the epilogue to this story, it just would have been drawn out a lot more to get here. On top of that, the last chapter felt like a fitting stopping place to the story. I could have ended it there. You got to know Edward made his choice, and saw Bella's first real step towards being called Invincible Bella.
> 
> I promised from Chapter 1 that there may or may not be a happily ever after. I always meant that quite literally, however my HEA to this is not a traditional one – but HEAs are in the eye of beholder, and I certainly hope you will all be accepting of it. I'll see you when you get to the bottom.

**Epilogue**

It had been four days since Edward had bit Bella, and though the venom had repaired her body physically, her heart continued to beat the same rapid tempo as it had for almost the entire time – and there had been no screams, no strange contortions, nothing.

Alice hated to even think it, but it was as if all the lights were on, but nobody was home. And by nobody, Alice meant absolutely no one.

“Don't say that,” Edward snarled.

“I didn't. I thought it,” she replied back, her voice tight with barely hidden anger. The truth of the matter was the house was so filled with tension that a person could cut it with a knife. None of their family was exactly happy while they waited and the fact that the blasted wolf was still there made it all the more tense, but for reasons Alice couldn't understand, Jake hadn't left.

“Can't you see anything, Alice?” Edward asked after a moment, demanded actually.

Alice barely repressed a sigh, though she understood his fear. “No.” She shook her head and got up. “I'll try to find something,” she muttered.

When she reached the living room, she found several pieces of the powder keg that her family currently was, along with Jacob.

“I need you to leave so I can see again. Besides, don't you have someone to get back to?”  
  
“Every day I'm away from my imprint is more painful than you can possibly imagine. It is not the way our kind is supposed to do things. But I'm not going anywhere until I know my friend's fate. Unlike some, I don't walk away when things get tough.” He crossed his arms over his chest, staring at her.

She opened her mouth to tell him just what she thought of his empty words, but Edward's voice came from the room he was in with Bella.

“Don't, he's torn up enough without you beating it into him.”

Her mouth snapped shut, and for a moment, she seethed silently before grinding her teeth together. “Pick a room upstairs. _Any room_. And commit to staying there. I'll see, if I get some space, if I can force a vision of the future to come.”

Alice turned and left the house without waiting on Jacob to follow through with her order.

Jasper followed her out, but she stopped her mate before he got very far. “I need to be alone if I'm going to figure out what's going to happen. I'll be back.”

It was obvious he wanted to argue, she could see it in his eyes, but he finally nodded and headed back inside.

Then she took off, not stopping until she was out of Edward's range, forcing herself to look ahead for Bella's future once she knew her thoughts were her own.

“Bella?” Edward asked as he touched her arm gently, his voice concerned.

Bella's form was still on the bed she'd been on when she was first bitten. There was no heartbeat, though, which Alice immediately noticed.

Bella jumped from the bed and darted to one corner of the room, her bright red eyes opening. She stared at both Edward and Alice for a moment. “You aren't real. Neither of you can be real.”

“Bella. It's me, Edward. You know me.”

“You aren't real. Your eyes are red. Edward's eyes would never be red.”

“Your eyes are red too, Bella. I turned you.”

Bella from five and a half years ago would have been ecstatic, but the Bella in front of them was anything but. “You're lying. You have to be. I _can't be_ a vampire. You _aren't real._ ”

Alice sighed, and darted out of the room, returning a few moments later with a hand mirror, carrying it over to Bella.

“Here, see for yourself,” she said, handing it over.

Bella took the mirror, looking at her a couple of seconds – her mouth widening to a huge O of shock or horror. “There's no way... I can't be... This isn't real. I've just finally lost my last shred of sanity. That's it.”

“Really? You felt me touch you a couple of minutes ago. Look around you, I know you can see more than you ever have before. Listen. Smell. All of your senses have multiplied in tenfold.”

Bella shook her head adamantly. “No. Whoever touched me was like me, was human. Their skin was soft and the same temperature as mine. If you'd touched me... If you were really here, then your skin would be cold when compared to mine – not to mention, hard. Also, your eyes would gold or black, not red. Besides, the real Edward doesn't care about me.”

Edward gritted his teeth together for a moment. “That's not true. I left because I –”

Alice, who was in his line of sight, shook her head adamantly, which caused him to stop mid-sentence.

He restarted. “I can prove that this is all real. I can prove you're a vampire.”

Bella tilted her head to the side.

“There's a pain in your throat telling you that you're more parched than you've ever been – in fact it's so painful that it's burning sort of like the venom that is now in your body. That pain is because you're thirsty, Bella.”

For a moment, there was no reaction at all before Bella suddenly slapped both hands to her throat, letting out a pointed keening wail.

Alice flinched.

Edward stepped forward, almost eagerly. “See. Proof to you, I'm not lying. Humans simply don't know that type of thirst. I remember that pain though, as it's especially bad when we're first turned. And it wouldn't surprise me if yours is even worse.”

For the first part of his speech, it seemed like he was pulling her in, but his last words made her pause cold – her hands dropping back to her sides.  
  
“Why is mine worse?”

“Your change was slower than normal. _A lot slower_. It took you eight days to complete the transition. I'd almost completely given up hope that our venom would save you.”

“Save me?” Bella sounded baffled.

“What's the last thing you remember?”

“I live in California. I met a man not too long ago. He introduced me to a... sport. I was on my... fifth match. I think. I was playing against a man named Waylon. I remember a bang.” Bella's eyes widened. “I shot myself, didn't I?”

Edward and Alice shared a glance before he nodded. “You did.” He paused, continuing after a moment. “You've been in a coma for quite a while. Almost two years. We only found out where you were recently...”

“We think because you were brain dead, I wasn't able to get a lock on you. Carlisle got called about your case. Actually a Jane Doe's case. That's how we found out about you. Perhaps if we'd known sooner, your change would have been a lot smoother.” Alice continued after Edward had trailed off, her voice somewhat reluctant.

“Why'd you change me? Why didn't you just pull the plug?” Bella asked, looking between the two.

“That's going to be a long a conversation, Bella. And I know it's going to take a long time to trust or believe any of us again. So it's not something I want to get into just yet. But for now, even though I know, you don't trust me, and that you have every right not to, please give me enough so I can help you hunt for your first time. And if I end up betraying you... Well, you're currently strong enough to tear me apart.” Edward held his hand out to her.

Bella's hand flew to her throat even as she frowned deeply. For several minutes, she didn't move, but finally, she gave one small nod and took a slight step forward.

Alice pulled herself from the vision, her lip lifting in a snarl at what she'd just seen. But before she had time to react past that, she was pulled into another vision, one far more immediate.

“Are you sure she'll never wake up?” Edward demanded, appearing in front of her as soon as she walked through the door.

“I'm sure. Thirty days from now, the venom will still be trying to fix her. She's dead, Edward,” Alice said.

Edward closed his eyes and looked away. “Then I guess it's time to say goodbye.” There was a finality in his words that told her he was talking about more than just letting Bella go.

“No, son,” Carlisle said immediately.

Edward turned toward him. “I never intended to outlive her, Carlisle. Even had she lived to be eighty or ninety. You have to know that. Besides, you can't stop me. There's at least one in the house at the moment who will gladly grant me my wish.”

The future blacked out.

Alice pulled herself out of the blackness before burying her head in her hands, uncertain what to do.

After over an hour in the same position just contemplating her options, she finally got up, resolving the walls in her mind, and heading back to the house.

When she got there, Edward was waiting.

“You saw nothing?”

Jasper, who obviously could sense her emotions – even as she kept her mind clear – was by her side in an instant.

“Nothing.”

“Why not?”

“I don't know, it could be because of the mutt, but I'm not sure he's the problem. It may be that she simply doesn't have a future for me to see.”

“Don't say that!” Edward snarled.

“I know it isn't what you want to hear. I'm sorry.”

Jasper pulled her close. “You're holding something back. What is it, Ali?” he murmured.

“The longest a human has ever taken to change was what? Five, six days?” She looked to Carlisle, who was farther in the room, for confirmation.

“Yes, when I was staying with the Volturi, there were a couple of cases that Aro talked about taking that long.”

“Then I say we wait that long and see. We can figure it out then if she hasn't woken up.”

“I won't give up on her that quickly,” Edward muttered before darting out the room and heading back to Bella's room.

Alice's shoulders deflated.

No matter how the future turned out after this, it was going to condemn at least one of them. And she knew it.

But she was leaving it up to fate.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So that concludes RR. Now, I will explain this. There are actually two possible HEAs here. If Bella does end up being turned, there's a second (or third) chance for Edward/Bella, even though it will be formed on lies... it could still end happily. Then there's the less traditional HEA, that Bella was killed, thus freed from anymore torment or pain, and, as a result, will perhaps find true happiness with or without Edward in the afterlife. Or you can think, like Alice, that they're both tragic options. That's up to you. I know which way I see it.


End file.
